


Amity's Diary

by Feeling_Super_Super_Super



Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Child Abuse, F/F, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Meta, Poetry, i wanted to do something involving a prom but i'm pretty sure that happens in an upcoming episode, i'll also try to expand on the Amity Being Better To Willow plotline, retagging for new chapter, so i went with this instead bc of an idea i had, specifically implied - see also the chapter note, the rest of the characters are Very Much mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:36:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25477795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feeling_Super_Super_Super/pseuds/Feeling_Super_Super_Super
Summary: Hijinks of Amity, Luz and the gang, told through sneak peaks at our favourite character's most private and intimate thoughts (don't worry, she let me share them).
Relationships: Amity Blight/Luz Noceda
Comments: 17
Kudos: 203





	1. Thursday-Saturday

**Author's Note:**

> The link to the tumblr post containing a continually updating timeline for the chapters and surrounding episodes is [here.](https://panicatthe21falloutromance.tumblr.com/post/625356182126755840/amitys-diary-timeline)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luz takes the gang to the circus and Amity excites her with a surprise for the end of the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been watching The Owl House recently while coming out of my She-Ra obsession (don't worry though, I'm gonna finish up my unfinished glimmadora fic and maybe do one or two more catradora angst fics), and I wanted to try out a new fandom *and* a new style of writing. Idk if this has been done before (if it has, don't tell me or I'll cry) but I think it's kinda neat and it gives me a chance to focus on exploring characterisation through narrative voice, which is a thing I've been thinking about a lot recently.

Thursday

Dear Diary,

God, that always sounds so stupid whenever I write it. But it’s the way people start diary entries, and there’s no reason to break from tradition.

Anyway, Luz invited me, Ed and Em to go to this circus thing that the school hosts every couple of years with her and the weird witch lady this Saturday. Normally I wouldn’t bother going – it just seems like a waste of an afternoon where I could be studying – but something about her face when she asked me, just made me want to say yes, like I didn’t want to disappoint her. Which is stupid, obviously, because why would I care what she thinks? Except somehow, I do. I want her to like me, and hang out with me often. We’ve been discussing the Azura books a few times a week, and that’s really nice, but I don’t know… I want something more. Maybe this will be a good chance to spend time with her for longer than just the hour we get after school, even if it means we have to hang out with ~~Half-a-Witch~~ Willow –

Damnit, I forgot I’m not supposed to use that stupid nickname anymore. It’s not my fault, I swear! I’m just not used to it. I’ll get better with practice, I’m sure.

That’s another thing, she asked me not to call her that and I… did. Or – I didn’t, I mean. I stopped calling her that, whatever. Or at least, I’m trying to. I’ll get there. But it’s easier, a little, to know that it will make Luz smile at me like she does to Willow, and the tiny human-obsessed guy they hang out with. (I swear I know his name hold on what is it…)

It’s not totally my fault though, she used to tease me all the time back before we got magic. It’s only fair that I get to tease her about this now – but then, it’s not, is it? That’s what drove her away.

Whatever, it’s done now. I shouldn’t think about it too hard, I know. The important thing is I’m trying to improve, blah blah blah. Pretty soon I’ll be able to look at her or talk to her for more than a minute without wanting to cry, or snapping at her. I’ll get there. Motto of the century, apparently. It’s true though, I guess. I’m working on it now, at least, which is progress compared to where I was until recently.

I think I’m gonna leave it there for today. I don’t know whether I’ll go, I’ll have to think about it. So… goodnight, I guess.

Friday

Dear Diary,

I can’t write much, I’m on the bus to school right now and the guy next to me has eyes on his hands and he keeps trying to sneak a peek. But you know, I get anxious if I don’t write in you all day and I don’t know whether I’ll have time later today.

I just wanted to let you know that Luz held my hand yesterday on the way to the bus stop, after I finished writing yesterday. It was only for a second, while she was giving me back a book she’d borrowed, but I had to turn away from her to hide my blush, and you can only imagine the shit Ed and Em gave me when I got to the house.

That’s all unless I get a chance this afternoon, but I’ll be pretty busy with some… errands to run. I’ll probably talk to you after the circus, which I’m almost definitely going to go to.

Friday (cont.)

Dear Diary,

I guess I’m a liar, oops, because I got a free moment after all. Ed and Em are in the kitchen preparing some kind of prank for the cook, I didn’t ask what, and I’m up in my room. The preparations are done, which is a relief, because I thought I was going to have to rush them tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, it meant that I had to rush off as soon as school was done this afternoon and I missed out on talking to Luz. And don’t tell anyone, but I was kinda, maybe, possibly looking forward to it… a little bit. I’ve been working on a new drawing of myself with Luz as Luzura, and I think she’d like it. Though, I guess that would risk spoiling her for the big surprise tomorrow, so I guess it’s kind of a good thing?

It’s annoying how quickly she’s picking up spells, though. I might risk losing my top-student spot (again) if I’m not careful. Well, I suppose if anyone deserves it, it’s her.

Okay my mum’s coming to check on me now, I’m going to put you away for the night.

Saturday

Dear Diary,

SHE LIKED IT SHE LIKED IT SHE LIKED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I showed Luz the costumes I made for us and she liked them!!!!! I’m so glad the surprise went well, I was worried she would think they were tacky or ugly or something, but she didn’t! she thought they were really nicely made and they worked well together as a pair and I think she said some other stuff but I didn’t really hear because I was thinking about how she liked it!!! ~~The next step is making her like me as well.~~

I’m putting you down now, I’ll update when we come out of this haunted house she’s dragging all of us to next (there’s me, Luz, Ed and Em, Willow and Augustus (that’s his name!!! I can’t believe I forgot it.), Eda the Owl Lady and their tiny demon pet thingy).

Saturday (cont.)

~~Dear Dia~~

Screw it, I’m not writing Dear Diary every time, I’m gonna be making lots of different entries today and that’s just a waste of time. Sorry, stupid tradition.

I hate Luz and her stupid adorable face every time she gets scared and I _hate_ how she clings to the nearest person until the scary thing disappears and I HATE that I kept being the nearest person to her because I decided to follow her every time she went off in a different direction to the rest of the group. I am NEVER going to a haunted house with her again because I have had so many capital-F Feelings about her in the last twenty minutes and she doesn’t even have the _decency_ to wait until I have time to work out what the hell it is I want to do about her or for her or to her or with her or I don’t even know anymore! But it’s something and it’s difficult and annoying and I think she just noticed me staring at her. Shit.

Play it cool, Amity, she’s gonna come to talk to me now and I’ll make a fool of myself and she won’t want to talk to me again –

Stop. Breathe, focus on the pen on paper. I forgot how calming it is to write in this diary. I should thank Willow for teaching me that.

Luz’s eyebrows just perked up, what is she looking at? Should I go over to her? I’ll wait a moment, to look cool, but not long enough for the twins to get to her first. Now should do it. Bye, I guess.

Saturday (cont. 2)

Okay she just wanted some ice cream and a weird souvenir with a bobble-head, that apparently looks like one she got somewhere in the human world? I don’t know, I don’t really follow a lot of what she says about where she comes from. It’s just all so weird! Apparently humans go on hours-long journeys in a tiny metal box to get from one side of their country to another, and they stop on the way to take pictures of a wall made out of chewing gum, or a replica of another place in a different country made out of the same metal boxes. I didn’t believe her at first, but she has _lots_ of photos to prove it.

We’re taking a break now, thank god, so I can relax and update with more detail. The haunted house completely wasn’t scary, it was clearly marketed to little kids. I mean, come on, who gets scared of a stupid monkey demon? Except Luz, which I suppose is justified because the human world doesn’t have demons, or really anything scary. She kept screaming at every little thing, and she was boasting about how good she was at these before we went in. I would have laughed if she hadn’t made such cute noises every time we turned a corner. At one point she had to stop for a few minutes to catch her breath, and Willow stayed behind to keep her company. It just felt so lonely without her by my side, clinging to my robe or whatever, and believe me if Willow hadn’t offered so quickly I would have stayed behind with her.

Although, given how obvious I’m being recently, I think maybe it’s best that I wasn’t alone with her. I don’t think I’m ready to admit it just yet – it’s a miracle she’s oblivious enough not to have noticed it already.

We’ve got one more attraction before the big finale and the costume competition: a human-style magic show. These are actually quite interesting, and it’s what Eda agreed to chaperone us for. They study human magic shows (which of course don’t use actual magic, just sleight-of-hand and fake equipment) and then try to replicate them as authentically as possible using real magic. It’s really fascinating how they do it, and they have to combine a lot of interdisciplinary skills, so the performers are all from a lot of different covens.

Luz is interested for a completely different reason, obviously, but it’s cute that she’s so excited. It kind of reminds me of when I was first learning magic, and getting excited by every little thing. It will be interesting to hear how accurate she thinks the tricks will be – I’m sure they’ve never had an actual human watching one of their shows before.

Saturday (cont. 3)

The show was sooooo cool! Luz and I got picked for one of the magic tricks, and we each ended up being cut in half and connected to each other’s legs. It was really, really weird, especially with Luz’s strangely thin legs (has she not been eating??) but Luz seemed to love it, and it was admittedly exciting to be walking around with half of my friend’s body instead of my own. Apparently that’s a common part of a magician’s routine in the human world, but they always use tricks like mirrors or hidden space within the box. If I’m totally honest, I’m not sure which one I’d prefer.

We’ve only got the costume party left. Luz looks really awesome as Luzura (my idea, obviously) and my Hecate costume came out looking pretty good as well, so I’m pretty confident we can win this. Apparently there’s lots of smaller contests within the larger competition, including one for Best Pose – and I’m not saying anything, but considering how Luz reacted to my drawing of Luzura and me in… a certain position, I don’t think it’s _too_ unreasonable to hope that maybe she might want to try that out in real life? As long as it’s for the contest, of course.

Oh yeah and Willow and Augustus look good with their human costumes or whatever.

Saturday (cont. 4)

WE WON!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, well we didn’t win exactly. We didn’t even place on the podium for the main competition – we were beaten out by some dorks dressed up like characters from that John de Plume novel that came out last year, which is such bullshit, that book was utter cash-grab garbage. And he doesn’t even allow fanfiction??? How the hell are you supposed to do anything interesting cosplay-wise with a franchise that’s so anti-fan culture? Azura wouldn’t do this to you, come on. Have some taste, seriously. Okay rant over.

Anyway we didn’t win the competition, but we did come joint first for the Best Pose contest – and the best part is that they took an official photo for their Penstagram page, and I managed to snag a physical copy on the way out. Which means there’s actual existing photographic evidence that I managed to get Luz to kiss me!!! And the best part is their page is nerdy enough that Boscha and her gang almost definitely won’t see it, so they’re unlikely to give me or Luz shit on Monday.

Ugh, there’s so few things I’d like to do less than tell her I have a crush on Luz, thank god she’s too self-absorbed to notice things like that. Gotta do it someday though. In the meantime, I can revel in the fact that LUZ KISSED ME. HER LIPS TOUCHED MY LIPS AND WE KISSED. AND THAT’S A THING THAT HAPPENED.

I’m never gonna get over this, am I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i realise that in the library episode amity's diary has month/day dating things (though considering there's some from like,,, december and others from either april or june/july either the boiling isles calendar is weird or they just threw in random dates without much thought) and depending on how this goes/how long i extend it for in-universe i might work out dates for each entry and retcon the earlier chapters to have those instead


	2. Monday-Wednesday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is getting a little heavier, with pretty clear mentions of parental abuse etc, so be careful, prepare emotionally as much as you need to. I'm leaving it ambiguous whether Amity's parents are against Lumity for homophobia reasons, or just because she's a human/they're against Amity being in love because it's "weak", because I know for a lot of queer people it's nice to pretend the world doesn't hate them, but at the same time their treatment of Amity and Lumity is meant to be a pretty clear parallel to homophobia and designed for us to relate to. So feel free to interpret that whichever way you feel most comfortable with.

Monday

Dear Diary,

Luz’s bed is really comfortable, and I’m worried that writing in you will dislodge the arm she’s wrapped around my shoulder which I _really_ don’t want, but it must be about four in the morning and I couldn’t sleep, and I have a lot to tell you. So, here I am.

Ed and Em, when you eventually steal and read this, I want you to know that a) I’m fine, b) by the time I see you at school I’ll probably have forgiven you, and c) fuck you both to hell.

I don’t give a shit about you reading my diary and all the other ways you humiliate me, god knows you do it enough that I’m used to it by now. I can take sibling banter, I can take you making fun of me, I’m not going to cry over it that much, especially since you’ve started to at least respect my privacy in the library hide-out. (Thank you for that, by the way.) But how fucking dense do you have to be to leave shit out in front of Mom and Dad? You two of all people should have learnt that. You are so unbelievably lucky I was able to snatch the diary from them before I left.

Do you know what they said when they read that Luz and I had kissed? Of course you do, actually, you were totally listening at the door. But I’ll repeat it anyway, word for word.

“You were really engaging in such flagrant affection for another girl, and a human no less? We thought we’d raised you far better than that. And if you’re so resistant to the way we’ve raised you, perhaps it would be in our best interests to stop raising you altogether.”

Or, to dumb it down for two people dumb enough to leave their vulnerable sister’s diary out where their parents can see it, “if you’re not going to live by our rules, you’re not going to live in our house.” So I left. I don’t know when I’m coming back, or even if. I promise I’m okay, Luz and Eda are good housemates, and I’ve got all the stuff I need for school either here or at the library. I’ll give this to you at school, I think. I want you to read this.

Luz, because I know you’re gonna notice this and read it, here’s a paragraph or two for you.

Thank you so much for being there when I came, and sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night. You probably don’t know much about my parents (although you might be able to get an idea if you’ve read Ed and Em’s section) but please, just trust me when I say they’re bad people. I’ll forgive you if you ask about them in a couple of days, but please just wait a few days? I’d say something placating about how I’m sure they don’t really mean what they say about humans or whatever, but no, we’re definitely gonna skip the “meet my parents” thing when we’re dating.

I just yawned really loudly, I think I need to try and sneak a few hours’ sleep before I get to school. Goodbye harsh nightlight using one of Luz’s super cool glyphs, and as soon as I can figure out how to turn this off, hello Luz’s beautiful arms wrapped around me.

Monday (cont.)

Oh my god I am the stupidest person alive. Did I really just let Luz read all of _that_? I just left my diary, my most personal and private thoughts which she has _already_ peeked at once before, open onto a page telling Luz she’s allowed to read it, and then gushed about “Luz’s beautiful arms wrapped around me” and “when we’re dating” … I didn’t even say if. I said when, as though I’m certain it’s going to happen someday. What is wrong with me??

She hasn’t said anything yet, miraculously, which I have to assume means she hasn’t had a chance to read it yet. But as soon as she does, she’ll know just how pathetically desperate I am. And god, so will Edric and Emira when they read it! Well they kind of already know, but this will give them so much bullying material to work with.

Alright, Eda the Owl Lady is shouting at Luz to tell me to get a move on, or I’m gonna be late for school. Can’t wait for my first trip on her weird, dangerous-looking broom ride! (she says, very much being able to wait for that.)

Tuesday

Dear Diary,

She hasn’t said anything yet about the diary entry (and I’m sure she’s read it by now, because I lined it exactly up with the corner of my pillow earlier and it’s tilted now), which is unsettling. If I found what basically amounts to a declaration of a crush on me in another girl’s diary, I’d certainly want some answers sooner rather than later. (If I found a crush on me in a boy’s diary, I’d probably just hex him. But anyway.)

Ed and Em have read it now, or at least their own section. I gave it to them on the way into class – the first time I saw them since Sunday night – and when they gave it back to me after school there was a lot of hugging. I genuinely don’t think they’d realised how bad I had it. And they certainly didn’t seem to know anything about my parents threatening to kick me out, which was extremely surprising. They’ve promised to support me if I decide not to come back to the mansion, and defend me if my parents try to force me, which is… actually really nice of them. I feel kind of embarrassed to say, but I was expecting a little less from them, honestly. Maybe I was just worked up from the stress of running away from home in the middle of the night though.

Luz is a really good housemate – I think I’ve said that already but that was when I’d only been here for three hours, had one _extremely_ delicious chocolate cocoa and almost immediately gone to bed with Luz ( _no, Amity, not like that, stop blushing),_ and now that I’ve been here two whole days I can confirm that Luz is a _really_ good housemate. If my parents weren’t so anti-human and anti-displays of affection and anti-human emotion in general, they would definitely want to hire her as a maid. She’s constantly cleaning up after all of us, even when she doesn’t need to, she takes good care of the demon pet and the weird owl face on the front of the house – god, that thing gives me the creeps – and she knows exactly where all the food and medicine and things are. I’m starting to think she basically manages the housework for the three of them, and she’s been weirdly resistant to my attempts to lighten her load. Lots of “you’re our guest!”.

I will pay her back though. I’ll feel awful if I don’t – I don’t want to be a charity case that Luz took in because she felt sorry for me or anything. I want to, you know, feel included.

School’s going pretty well now, at least. Luz has really settled into her studies – even though I have no idea how she manages to juggle nine tracks’ worth of lessons, let alone without any innate magical ability. Truly that girl is a force of nature, and I’m lucky just to occasionally stand in her path.

… Wow, that might have been the sappiest thing I’ve ever written. I should save that and use it for my Luzura fanfic. (By the way, it’s possible that I’ve started a Luzura fanfiction. As in, featuring Luz as Azura ~~and me as the love interest~~. Which I’m going to show Luz when it’s done. Which she hopefully won’t hate.)

Shit, Luz is coming into bed. Better hide the book before she sees the last paragraph and spoils the surprise. Ohmygosh she’s wrapped _so_ tightly around me, she’s like a tiny little blanket. And you know she sleep-talks to herself in Spanish, it’s the cutest goddamn thing. I have no idea what she’s saying most of the time but I recorded it once, worked out what she was saying and I am almost 100% sure she was narrating a scene from Azura. I love her so fucking much, and if she moves her hand from my hair I am literally going to kill myself. Goodnight, Diary.

* * *

Dear Amity,

I’m really sorry for using up a page of your diary and I promise I haven’t read any earlier entries, but I wanted to leave a note so you won’t freak out when you wake up like you did yesterday and there wasn’t any spare paper in the room. Eda, King and I are just going out to get some breakfast – I’ll get you some, even though it will probably be cold by the time you’re awake.

By the way, I’m really sorry about what happened with your parents. You’re right that I don’t know much about what happened, or how bad they are, but I know how it feels when my mom is dismissive of me, and I can imagine how much worse it would feel for something as big as this. And I’d always be okay with you waking me up in the middle of the night for something as serious as this. I really like you, and I want to be here for you as often as I can. Also, that kiss was pretty special to me as well, and as for freaking out about saying “when we’re dating”, I wouldn’t worry, seeing as I’m pretty sure I’m even more eager for that to happen than you.

When you come down, maybe we can have a proper conversation about this instead of leaving each other notes in a diary once every three days lmao. And while we’re at it, maybe you’d like to repeat the kiss that we’re in agreement was super awesome? I’ll even dress up as Luzura for you <3

Lots of love, Luz xoxo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw for clarification, the timeline of this chapter goes as follows:  
> first monday entry is at 4am before monday, with amity having run away from her mansion on sunday night and arriving at ~1am  
> second monday entry is 8am ish, about to go to school  
> tuesday entry is 9pm ish tuesday night, before they go to bed  
> wednesday entry is written around 7am wednesday morning (i hc luz as an early riser and amity as a night owl/late riser) and read by amity closer to 8am


	3. Thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amity composes a poem for her (hopefully soon-to-be) girlfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay if you'll forgive the obnoxious self-meta and the wall of text, i'm gonna take a moment to elaborate on Amity's poetry composition style bc it's actually pretty interesting i think, especially from my perspective as a writer.  
> What she's doing within the diary (which doesn't translate super well into fic format and would be better if i could show y'all the actual physical pages of her diary lmao but like. obviously i can't do that) is she's writing out the entire poem from scratch each time, with edits, and then noting her thoughts on what still needs fixing between them - in the actual diary that would probably be in the margins. i feel she's a margins kind of gal - which fits in with how i write her basically talking to the diary like an actual friend. and therefore carefully narrates her whole train of thought as though she's speaking to a therapist almost.  
> Going back to the poetry specifically, it's interesting from my perspective to write her like that because i'm basically mimicking her style as i write it. I went through each time and wrote out the poem (six times in all as it turns out) and because there's no necessity to end up with one definitive version of the poem - as, from amity's pov, this is just first through sixth drafts in her private diary, and luz is gonna get a finalised, pretty-ified version on separate paper - it means i can compare each draft of the poem side by side. In contrast, when i normally write poetry, i'm editing one single version and i don't have that easy access back-and-forth to see what i've changed.  
> I think amity's thought process also includes the idea that writing it out every single time, by hand as it would be for her, reinforces her understanding of *what* she's writing, making her intimately familiar with her own poem in a way that i'm not usually with mine. And here's where i differ even in my own process of writing her writing the poem: i wasn't writing it by hand, and i wasn't even typing it out in full each time. I was copying and pasting and then editing that pasted version as it needed to be. but even that runs counter to the main idea behind how she writes (bc ofc i headcanon that she does this pretty vigilantly whenever she writes poetry, speeches etc, anything not too long to feasibly do this, as in my mind she is in general a better, more competent version of me). bc another part of the appeal of writing it out in full is you have to really concentrate on each line as you write it, and that makes it easier to notice what's wrong with it than just skimming through it after a copy paste.  
> So for example, "My life laid bare by your quill" in the final draft, i edited its predecessor line in the middle of that iteration of the poem, whereas amity would have replaced that before getting to the subsequent lines in that iteration. which means that she would have a lot better sense of the poem, she’d be a much better editor than me i think, and it really highlights her character imo to have that deliberate, calculated sense of editing compared to my usual haphazard do-it-as-i-go style.

Thursday

Dear Diary,

This might be the most embarrassing thing I ever do, but fuck it. Luz has seen (and felt, and tasted) so much of me now that I don’t think opening up any more can do any harm. So, here it is: I’m writing a poem for her. Good luck me. This is just the first draft (and however many more drafts I get through).

When I’m with you, my skin feels like paper

And your lips are ink, drawing glyphs on my skin,

Making my eyes light up like a spell.

Your hands run over me, like a quill on parchment,

And I shiver under your touch.

Ripples through paper, ink spreading, skin glowing.

My cheeks are warmth and my lips are ice and my eyes are light

And my heart bursts for you.

Hmm, this one’s okay. I’m gonna stick with the “skin is paper” glyphs metaphor, I like that. I shouldn’t repeat the word skin in the first two lines, though. How about something like “you draw the magic from my veins, and it shows on my face”? Or skin, or something else for the last word. I’ll try and work that in. Alright, round two.

When I’m with you, my skin is paper

And your lips are ink, coating me with glyphs,

Drawing the magic from my veins,

Bringing them forth to the surface.

Your hands run over me, a quill on parchment,

Magic bursting forth under your touch.

Ripples through paper, ink spreading, skin glowing.

Something something insert whatever here

I lay open for you

“Coating” definitely doesn’t work there, but the first two lines are alright apart from that. I want to add in something like “a blank canvas for you to draw life onto”. It doesn’t work as the third line at the moment, but if I get rid of “coating me with glyphs” and work that into a fourth line somehow, and fix up the wording at the same time, that could get rid of that problem. Once I figure out something for that penultimate bit, and make the last line flow nicer, it should be nearly ready. Take three!

When I’m with you, my skin is paper,

A blank canvas for you to draw life onto

With lips of ink, painting glyphs with kisses,

Drawing the magic from my veins,

Bringing them forth to the surface.

Your hands run over me, a quill on parchment,

Magic bursting under your touch.

Ripples through paper, ink spreading, skin glowing.

With every caress, you heal the tears in the fabric of my body

And I lay open for you underneath.

Something about those last two lines don’t sit right with me. I think it’s the word fabric. “Parchment of skin”? I don’t really want to reuse parchment or skin, but I can’t see any other option – unless maybe I shuffle around the wording in some of the other lines to make it more cohesive… “Your hands run over me, tracing lines over the fabric of my body” and then something involving parchment in the last two lines? Let’s see.

When I’m with you, my skin is paper,

A blank canvas for you to draw life onto

With lips of ink, painting glyphs with kisses,

Drawing the magic from my veins,

Bringing them forth to the surface.

Your hands run over me

Tracing lines over the fabric of my body,

Magic bursting under your touch.

Ripples through paper, ink spreading, skin glowing.

With every caress, you heal the tears in my skin of parchment

And I lay open for you underneath.

Wait, maybe for the last line something like “my story lays open for you”? Something like your touch writing stories in ink on my body…

When I’m with you, my skin is paper,

A blank canvas for you to draw life onto

With lips of ink, painting glyphs with kisses,

Drawing the magic from my veins

Bringing forth stories from your touch.

Your hands run over me

Tracing lines over the fabric of my body,

My life laid bare by your quill.

Ripples through paper, ink spreading, skin glowing.

With every caress, you heal the tears in my skin of parchment

And I lay open for you to read.

I don’t like the order of the fourth and fifth lines, let me swap them around.

When I’m with you, my skin is paper,

A blank canvas for you to draw life onto

With lips of ink, painting glyphs with kisses,

Bringing forth stories from your touch,

Drawing the magic from my veins.

Your hands run over me

Tracing lines over the fabric of my body,

My life laid bare by your quill.

Ripples through paper, ink spreading, skin glowing.

With every caress, you heal the tears in my skin of parchment

And I lay open for you to read.

Yeah, that’s the one, perfect! Luz will like that, I think. I hope, anyway. Now I just gotta write it out neatly and decorate it somehow so it looks pretty for Luz. Wish me luck, Diary!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i technically cheated with the word count bc literally half of this chapter's word count is the same poem (more or less) repeated 6 times but whatever this is just a filler chapter before i do my willow/amity forgiveness arc (and also an experiment into a new way of composing poetry) so STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr <3
> 
> then again i did kinda redeem myself with like 1k words of self-meta *and* teaching myself to do pretentious fonts in CSS so if you like that stuff then great! and if not, see the wise words of ebony dark'ness dementia raven way above


	4. Friday-Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amity argues with her diary about a certain mysterious girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a timeskip back to between Hooty's Moving Hassle and Lost in Language. It's set the day before the Wailing Star shower (see timeline below) but some of the emotional beats feel like they should happen after Amity and Luz defeat Otabin together. However, I wrote this fic in one sitting and I am probably never going to be able to edit this without having an emotional breakdown so y'all including myself are gonna have to deal with that fact <3 
> 
> Timeline  
> Covention: Thursday week -1  
> Moonlight Conjuring: Saturday/Sunday night week -1  
> Willow and Amity dialogue: Friday week 0  
> This chapter: Friday/Saturday night and Saturday week 0  
> Wailing Star shower: Sunday week 0
> 
> i.e. in my hc, there's a week and 3 days between episode 5 and 7, including this chapter, and this is set ~6 weeks before the rest of the chapters to account for a new semester and therefore presumably a holiday during that time.

Friday

Dear Diary,

Half-a-witch Willow said something to me earlier and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. I don’t know what to make of it… I’m going to transcribe the conversation as best as I can remember, because I’ve been up all night trying to make sense of it.

We were in Abomination class – Willow was handing in a worksheet that we were set before she transferred to the Plants track, and when she stopped by my desk, she asked me about Luz Noceda, the human.

She: You’ve been a lot nicer since Luz beat you at the Covention.

I: She didn’t _beat_ me, she cheated. She got that old lady to put traps all around the arena – the _human_ wasn’t doing anything.

She: Well, didn’t the head of the Emperor’s Coven give you a power glyph? So even if Luz had used her own magic, she’d be unfairly outmatched.

I: But she doesn’t have her own magic, that’s the point!

She: What about her light spell?

I: That doesn’t count. It’s just a drawing that lights up. I’ve been able to do the same thing by making a circle with my hands since I was six years old.

She: Sure, but without innate magical ability, it’s pretty impressive.

I: Whatever, it’s nothing compared to real witches. And certainly nothing to win a Witches’ Duel. She’s lucky I took pity on her afterwards and cancelled that Unbreakable Oath. I didn’t have to do that.

She: Oh, I get what’s going on. You’re jealous!

I: Of what? What does she have that I don’t?

She: Some integrity, for one thing. You know we possessed her house during the Moonlight Conjuring this weekend?

I: Yeah, I saw that. How exactly did you manage that, anyway?

She: Maybe with some of that magic Luz doesn’t have.

Then she winked at me and left the room before I can reply.

What does she mean, I’m jealous? I’m not wrong, she _doesn’t_ have any magic ability! Sure, her light glyphs are somewhat impressive, but only because she’s a human. And because I’m not a human, I don’t need to lower my standards enough to be jealous of that. Why would I be, when my magic is so much more powerful? If anything she should be jealous of me. Right?

So… why does it feel like she shouldn’t? The light glyphs… they’re unique. They’re something only Luz has, only Luz is able to do. And she does have to work hard for it. Obviously. But so do I, so that can’t be it.

What would “it” be in any case? I wouldn’t be jealous of someone for just working as hard as me, that doesn’t make sense. And it’s not that she can do more with the same amount of effort, either, because I’m more powerful than her. We established this already.

Ugh, this is impossible. I’m just going to try to go to bed and not think about it anymore. Goodnight.

Except I’m not, am I? She’s more powerful than I am, in comparison. Because I’m supposed to be a witch, I’ve always had magic ability, so me being powerful is impressive. But she’s nothing, she’s got no magic ability. So anything she does isn’t just impressive, it’s impossible. She’s creating something from nothing, and I’m just working with what I was given. Nothing I can ever do will be as good as what she does, because hers is infinitely more impressive than what people expect of her – wait.

That’s it. That’s what I’m jealous of. It’s not about what she has that I don’t, it’s about what I have that she doesn’t.

She doesn’t have expectations. She doesn’t have fucking parents breathing down her neck forcing her to always be the best, the most powerful, the one the Emperor wants – the one her _parents_ want, even. So whatever she does, it’s so incredibly far above what’s expected of her that it’s incredible, and she’s _celebrated_ for it. Meanwhile, what’s expected of me is so much that I’m constantly trying to even get close, and as soon as I don’t, I get punished.

So that’s the answer then, I figured it out. I’m jealous that Luz can do as little as she wants and lap up all the praise she gets for it, while I struggle to avoid being penalised for doing more. It’s not about Luz herself at all.

Haha, who am I kidding? Of course it does. I wouldn’t be lying awake for three hours thinking about her if it were just about my parents wanting me to be good enough for them. I wouldn’t be fucking daydreaming in class about her teaching me to draw glyphs if it weren’t about Luz. It’s _always_ about Luz and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of her being around and in class and at the Covention and on Penstagram, always somehow upstaging me and humiliating me and just _being_ there in the back of my mind and why can’t I even get her to **_like_ **me?

Fuck, I forgot to date this. And I can’t even go back and fix it – that stupid “can’t edit previous pages” spell was so fucking stupid, what were you thinking, 12-year-old Amity? I’ll just do it here I guess… as soon as I remember what day it is. Did I write the first entry before or after midnight? I can’t remember. And I know I checked, too. And I don’t even know what day it is tomorrow, either. Ugh, this is why you get more than three hours’ sleep a night, Amity, so the days don’t turn into a meaningless, endless slog of time that you can’t even remember how many there have been. Whatever, let’s just leave this one undated. I can pretend it’s part of the first entry or something.

I’m not dealing with “why can’t I get her to like me” tonight, either.

Saturday

Dear Diary,

I can feel you staring at me, and I’m going to feel guilty until I address what I wrote last night, aren’t I?

Fuck, okay. I want Luz to like me. That’s easy to admit. Of course I do, why wouldn’t I? She’s pretty and nice and smart – obviously, if she can figure out the glyphs – and heck, Willow likes her. I trust her judgment in friends, obvious exception notwithstanding. And she hasn’t really done that much bad to me – sure, she challenged me to a Witches’ Duel, but I did insult her, and her little friend. And I really can’t blame her for what happened in school, considering how I tried to attack her afterwards. I’ve done a hell of a lot more to antagonise her than she has to me, so it’s understandable why she dislikes me.

What else am I not adding, Diary? What’s there left to say? I wish you could feed me questions, tell me what to answer. I wish life weren’t so difficult, emotions weren’t so complicated, human girls who speak Spanish and use light glyphs didn’t set off so many confusing questions inside me.

I don’t just want her to _like_ me. I want her to like me, think I’m worth more than just my witchcraft ability. Is that what I was missing last night? I think so… the good thing about not having any expectations for yourself, I guess, is that you don’t have any expectations for anyone else. Luz likes Willow as a friend even though she’s a crappy Abomination summoner, so maybe she could like me as a friend even though I’m not good at anything beyond my studies. Except she can’t, because I’ve forced those expectations onto her myself with this stupid rivalry.

So why did I do that? That’s the question you want me to answer, isn’t it? I don’t know. Attention seeking, my parents would probably say. Maybe I’m just that bad at expressing my emotions. Maybe it’s because 14 years of carrying the weight of my parents’ hopes and dreams for a perfect daughter have made me unable to sit down and say, “Hello Luz Noceda, I want to be your friend because I think at this point you’re the only chance I have left for someone to see me as anything other than a bitchy bully who’ll do anything to get top grades, even though there’s no point because I’ve already ruined it with you too.”

God, I just wish she could read this, I wish she were here and I could talk to her, no matter how embarrassing that would be.

… But it wouldn’t be embarrassing, would it? She wouldn’t care. She wouldn’t judge me. She’d be kind and supportive, because heck, she probably has more embarrassing stuff hidden somewhere. God, why is it so hard to hate her? It would make this so much easier if I just didn’t like her as much as she doesn’t like me. But that’s impossible because all the things I really wish I had, a friend who would listen to me, someone who cared about my interests, someone who supported me outside of just wringing as good grades as possible out of me or using me as target practice – she’s all of that, and she’d never do any of the things that everyone else does that makes me so fucking closed off in the first place. Ugh, Luz Noceda, you are impossible! Why couldn’t I have just had a crush on someone like Boscha and _what_ did I just write?

A crush? I don’t have a crush on Luz. I _can’t_ have a crush on Luz. God, Mother would kill me! A human and a girl? Besides, she doesn’t like me. She. Doesn’t. Like. Me. Get that through your head, Amity. If you want the privilege of having a crush, don’t push people away. It’s too late, now. That ship sailed as soon as I reached into Willow’s stupid Abomination vat.

I don’t have a crush on her. I don’t. I don’t and I’m not going to and I don’t _care_ if she’s all I think about for a week or if I want to cuddle in bed with her while we cast spells for each other or if I think she’s beautiful in the Penstagram photo Willow posted yesterday or if I want to be going on a date with her and staring into her eyes and kissing her and oh my god I have a crush on Luz.

Saturday (cont.)

Dear Diary,

Okay, I’ve had a little time to think about this, and I asked Emira about this girl Viney that she’s been talking about, how she knew she had a crush on her and things. She said she thought Viney looked pretty, she wanted to hang out with her and… she was fun to tease. To get a reaction out of her or whatever. And it’s probably just her being one of the twins that she’s like that, but I can’t help but feel like that’s somehow similar to how I act around Luz. Like… I push her away to test whether she’ll come back – or something. It sounds stupid when I write it, I know. But I just can’t help it. It’s impossible not to think about her, and somehow that doesn’t feel as bad as I would expect. That’s another thing Emira mentioned – her being always on your mind. Sometimes it’s annoying, or she’s annoying, and a _lot_ of the time it’s difficult, especially when I’m up all night deliberating about her. But the rest of the time, it feels amazing to think about her, all the pretty things I could notice about how she looks and the pretty ways her hands would feel on my body and… the extremely private directions _those_ thoughts are about to go down.

I think I do have a crush on Luz, whatever that will turn out to mean. I don’t even know her that well, and yet… something about her has stuck in my mind. I don’t think there’s much else for me to say about this tonight, and I’ll busy at the library most of tomorrow, so I guess I’ll leave it here. Goodbye, Diary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i just write 1600 words of angsty-as-fuck Little Miss Perfect-driven monologue about being a repressed lesbian with chronic gifted kid syndrome and terrible parents after listening to That Animatic for about 10 hours straight today? Yes, yes i did. do i kin amity and also that song so hard that i might literally implode from it? yes, yes i do. am i once again posting a chapter of this fic at 3am? yes, yes i am.
> 
> btw not that literally anyone will care but the reason the dialogue is formatted as "She" and "I" is because that's how it's formatted in my copy of rameau's nephew by diderot, bc i'm the kind of bitch who reads 19th century french literature for fun, and bc i kin amity that legally means that she is *also* the kind of bitch who reads 19th century french literature for fun <3


	5. Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amity reflects on the events of Understanding Willow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter this time, sorry. That's partially because I wanted to leave that lead-in for a grom chapter open, but more because I couldn't figure out where to go from there, and I had an idea to skip forward in time again to the original timeline as it were, but the emotional beats didn't really line up after writing this chapter. I've hopefully made up for it though by finally creating a comprehensive timeline of the diary entries (which will be a link in either the summary or the first chapter's notes depending on how well I'm able to work out hyperlinks). I'm thinking of writing an entry about Amity's struggle with schoolwork/diving deeper into her parents, but otherwise the next chapter will be post-grom (both episode and event).

Wednesday

Dear Diary,

I messed up. Really, really badly. Like, almost destroyed my last chance to ever make up with Willow levels of badly. And she forgave me, I think, but I’m not sure I deserve it. I don’t even think I forgive myself.

It was stupid and selfish of me to do what I did – for all that I got angry about Luz for meddling in Willow’s and my business, that was _exactly_ how I got us into that mess in the first place - and the worst part is that I knew exactly what I was doing. I’ve been in that class, I’ve had the warnings! Don’t damage photos or it will damage the memories themselves, be extremely careful, don’t interfere with other people’s magic without their permission et cetera et cetera! But I _had_ to keep my perfect reputation, I _had_ to stay on my parents’ good side. So I ignored the warnings, ignored my better judgment, because I always have to play it safe. Be Little Miss Perfect for Mommy and Daddy even when I know it’s hurting my friends.

And… you didn’t see the way Luz looked at me as I left. She was waiting to see my reaction – scratch that, waiting to see _Willow’s_ reaction – and I think that was positive, but she didn’t… smile at me. Normally she’s smiling, or laughing or joking or making a really stupid face or something but she’s always at least _happy_. And then she wasn’t. And that was my fault. I messed it up, and I upset Luz because of it.

God, that’s the fucking problem, isn’t it? I’m still making this about me. I stopped being Willow’s friend because _I_ was afraid of disappointing my parents, and now I’m crying over something that’s over and done with already because I’m worried my crush won’t like me back. I’m fucking pathetic. It’s always about my need for my mom and dad’s approval, or my stupid one-sided infatuation with Luz, and I always end up hurting people because of it! Because I just can’t deal with the consequences of my actions, or face up to the fact that I’m not always the good guy of the story.

I wonder if Azura ever has to deal with this. Realising that she’s not the protagonist this time – in fact she’s one of the enemies, whether she means to be or not – and the best, or only, way to help is to stay out of the way.

I’ve got school tomorrow, and I’m sure I’ll see Willow and Luz then. I’ll try and get a moment to ask them – no, I won’t. I don’t want to get their sympathy, I don’t want them to assure me I’m a good person and I’m forgiven and whatever else I’m sure they’d say. I don’t need more of what I’ve been doing wrong this whole time, making myself the centre of the narrative, and neither do either of them.

Take a breath, Amity. Focus on the writing, like Willow taught you.

I’m not going to guilt them into reassuring me I’m a good person; what I am going to do is _be_ a good person, or at least a better person, so that they don’t have to. I’ll talk to them in the hall, I’ll defend them if Boscha or Skara talk shit about them again. I’ll – do something, to prove I’m improving. I’ll get there. It will take time, but I’ll get there.

Goodnight Diary.

Wednesday (cont.)

Dear Diary,

Fuck, I just realised I have grom to prepare for. Is it possible to ask Luz to be my date without telling her I like her? God, that is going to be embarrassing.

Goodnight for real this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god okay ik i wrote this but i *love* that amity takes such care to like,,, perfectly use good grammatical convention etc in her own personal diary. and especially that she always uses capital letters to address her diary and like,, talks to it like she's talking to a real human being. and coupled with willow teaching her to use the diary for coping mechanisms n shit, it's like the diary is her own personal therapist and god amity babe i love that for you so much <3333   
> in case you couldn't tell, amity is my baby and i love her So Much its unreal   
> she even took the time to say "dear diary" just for like,, two lines about forgetting grom sskdfndsf. that's the equivalent of "oh yeah one last thing" and she Still Uses Proper Decorum bc shes a proper lady!! autistic queen relying on strict internalised social rules even when its unnecessary to adhere to them for Comfort Reasons,, i wanna kiss her so badly


	6. Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amity has a bit of an existential crisis about Luz following That dance at Grom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating in so long!! i promise i would have sooner but i had Home Issues and also i went on holiday for a while so i was on my laptop a lot less. but it's fine hopefully you'll forgive me bc i wrote a whole chapter of a new fic that i'm definitely gonna not abandon <3 i promise

Sunday

Dear Diary,

It turns out it isn’t possible to ask Luz without admitting my crush, but there _is_ a way to get her to dance with me without asking her at all. It’s extremely risky and involves Luz, a vulnerable human who can barely use magic to defend herself, spontaneously deciding to fight one of the most fearsome demons in the Boiling Isles, just to impress me, so DO NOT try this at home.

I have no idea how she even managed to escape him as long as she did – and her mom appearing, that looked terrifying. I don’t know her that well, so maybe she’s not as bad as my mom, but even so, you could see how scared Luz felt – of what she would do, or just of disappointing her or something, I don’t know. But I wouldn’t be able to last if my mom had appeared in front of me instead of my Luz Abomination. I would have just sunk to the floor and listened to everything she told me, about how horrible and evil and weak I was, like I always do.

But then maybe that’s the point, isn’t it? Maybe what Grometheus wanted me to understand was that Luz is _that_ important to me, that I’d rather subject myself to the wrath of my parents, or the ridicule of Boscha or whatever other horrors Grom would have cycled through to find my greatest fear, than have Luz reject me? Because I would. I’d do all of that, I’d throw away all I’ve earned and face whoever I need to face, for her sake. Perhaps that will all come crashing down next time my mother tells me how _disappointed_ she is in me, but somehow I don’t think it will.

Is it because of what I said earlier? That Luz is the only person around whom I feel like I can be myself? That sounds right on paper, but something about it feels missing.

I don’t know, I’ll try and work it out later. Right now I’m too busy swooning over Luz’s arms because _holy shit Luz is strong._ I didn’t know she could dance that well! I was expecting her to be sort of okay at it, but I thought I’d have to lead, at least. She literally threw me into the air while jumping off an Abomination, perfectly caught me, and then expertly spun me around. How the hell did she learn any of that?? When did she learn that?? I bet it was Ed and Em.

Well, regardless, it was hot and now I’m definitely in love with her. That’s cool. I’m literally in love with a human who thought it was smart to rub Abomination goo all over her body and clothes to pretend to be an Abomination. Actually, scratch that, because let’s not forget it WORKED. She’s impossible, I swear.

Then again, she did manage to stay oblivious to the obviously Luz-shaped Abomination rejecting my Gromposal. I can’t imagine what would have happened if she’d picked up the other half of the paper – then again, she only would have seen her name. So she would know I was writing to her, but she wouldn’t know what I wanted to say, unless I told her. Would I have been able to tell her? That feels a step too far. I like her not knowing – not that I want that permanently, of course, but evidently I have a pretty significant fear of rejection, and I still don’t know how Luz thinks of me. She danced with me, and seemed… pretty into it, and she was certainly very affectionate with me in Willow’s mind this past week. But on the other hand, she was just as affectionate with Willow when we got out, and wasn’t the whole “going into Willow’s mind” thing the same sort of grand gesture she was agreeing to with me at Grom? That’s her whole thing, she does something big and heroic and usually very stupid for people she cares about. It’s nice for her to care about me, I guess, but it proves she cares about me as much as her friends. Or, I should say, her other friends. I’m just a friend.

And none of that matters anyway, because I know I’m just a friend. That’s what she said before we danced: “that’s what friends do.” She’s just doing it to comfort me, because she didn’t want her friend to be stood up at a dance, so she tried to fill in, be a replacement for whoever I was going to ask out.

She thought she was my second choice, but she danced with me anyway, because she wanted me to not be alone even if it wasn’t with who I actually loved… wait. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. What does that sound like, Amity?

Azura book five, during the ball scene, when Malingale offers to dance with Azura when her date rejects her, even though they had a crush on her and wanted to be her first choice. FUCK. Amity, you _idiot,_ Luz fucking wanted to ask you out, and now she probably thinks _you_ don’t like _her._ And when she offered to dance with you, you said “really?” like a stupid fucking idiot. How could she read that other than “I was right, Amity doesn’t like me, but at least I can do this for her”?

How the fuck did I not realise sooner? She called herself my “fearless champion”, for fuck’s sake. She’d never act like that in front of Willow or Gus or the Owl Lady. That was clearly meant for me, she’s trying to impress _me_ in particular, and I didn’t pick up on it. She thinks I like someone else, and if I try to tell her I like her, she’ll probably think I’m trying to comfort _her._

Or wait. Hold on. Slow down, Amity. Does she like me? I don’t know, I mean she certainly acts like she does, but no more than she does with Willow or the Owl Lady. And I don’t know about Willow (PLEASE, GOD, SAY SHE DOESN’T HAVE A CRUSH ON WILLOW) but I’m almost certain she’s not romantically attracted to the Owl Lady.

Think, Amity. How can you be sure she does or doesn’t like you? That’s easy, look at other crushes of Luz’s to see how she acted, and then work out whether she’s acting the same way to you. The only time I can think of that I’m sure she had a crush on someone was… ew, my siblings. Gross. Whatever, I’ll just pretend I’m Luz and apparently see _something_ in them. When they were messing around in the library, I definitely saw Luz get flustered when Emira called her “cutie”, and she was clearly trying to look cool in front of them by joining in with their bullshit.

So, has she ever tried to look cool in front of me? Well… I mean, yeah. She cosplayed as Azura for me as soon as she realised I’d read the books, she pretended she’d learned two spells so she wouldn’t get in the baby class. But then that could have been trying to impress Ed and Em, and I’ve never seen her get flustered around me either. Ugh, why is figuring Luz out so goddamn HARD? I’m never going to know whether she likes me, and now she thinks I don’t like _her_ so she’s never gonna approach me if she does, and now I’m too scared to approach her in case she doesn’t and I’m just misreading her reaction and it’s just FRUSTRATING and oooh wow, I just got really lightheaded.

I think I’m gonna lie down, I’m just working myself up for no reason and I’m not gonna help either of us by stressing about this. And I kind of feel sick now. I’m gonna take a nap, and god knows one of the twins will wake me up by doing something stupid but hopefully I’ll get some rest before school. Because Luz is at school, and I’m probably gonna freak out and be stupid in front of her and I’m gonna have to charge up enough emotional energy to deal with _that_ embarrassment.

Anyway, see you after school, Diary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw i'm gonna update the timeline and i'll probably update it after every fic. and it's possible i'll change existing dates to fit the new episodes in better as they come out but. we'll see i guess


End file.
